finding love in a hopeless place

i hate that i had to quote Rihanna for this, but it couldn’t be more accurate. the last four months have been rough. ups and downs and highs and lows and a lot of hindsight realizations. it feels like nothing was what it seemed. maybe i had blinders on, maybe i was in denial, or maybe i was just too comfortable with my former life. you see, my plan was (because things always go according to plan), to be alone for a good long while. work on myself, have fun being by myself, and honestly i had zero interest in dating. i didn’t pay much attention to you when i first met you. and then we became friends and started hanging out. i was thankful to have a good friend here in a town where i don’t know that many people. i did not want to have feelings for you. i did not plan to fall in love with you. i resisted at first because PLAN. it was too soon, i’m not in a great place in my life.  i needed to be alone for a while. i needed to figure out who i was again before i got so comfortable in my former toxic life. but then you came into my life so unexpectedly. it was like i was drowning and you saved me. you make me feel like im floating on air. you give me butterflies. you’re helping me find myself again. the girl that likes to have fun and be silly and laugh. that girl has been MIA for quite sometime. there is still this tiny part of me thats telling me its too soon, that this happened too fast. and it did happen fast. but i don’t think i’ve ever felt like this before, not even with the man i thought i was going to marry.  and its crazy, because we haven’t known each other for that long, but i feel like i’ve known you for years. we connected instantly. we can talk to each other about things we don’t talk about with anyone else. this is different. and it’s bad timing, but i truly believe that not seeing where this goes would be a terrible mistake. i am completely in love with you, and now i can’t imagine not knowing you. i can’t imagine not being with you. you love me for me, which is something i never had with S. you aren’t trying to change who i am, or how i feel. you don’t get angry with me that every day i am fighting anxiety and depression, you just get me. you have me.

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