time doesn’t heal

I had a bit of a rough day a few days ago. I briefly visited the TU campus, and it was the first time I’ve really been on the actual campus since the candlelight vigil the school had for T. I honestly didn’t even think twice about it at first. But as we drove through the campus the memories came flooding back. I feel like there are so many little details that I either don’t remember or have forgotten about-a large part of that month I was in a daze. I pulled up some of the news channel videos and articles about T and the vigil that nearly a thousand people attended, and after that I kind of just went down the rabbit hole. It’s weird how your brain processes and deals with grief. It’s been six and a half years now, so most of the time I can talk about him and think about him with a smile on my face and not have a breakdown. But every once in a while the breakdown happens instead. Whenever I drive by his apartment complex, where he died, or when I go to the hospital where they brought him to officially pronounce death, it hurts. It hurts a lot. Prior to a few months ago, I hated this town. This is the town where i lost my best friend. The town where he was finally safe, not serving overseas or surviving a mass shooting at Fort Hood. This was the place where I didn’t have to constantly worry about him but he died anyway. But now, this is also the town where I fell in love again. This is the place where I met the man I want to marry. Tim was always a meddler. I can’t tell you whether or not I truly believe if it’s possible for him to meddle with my life from wherever he might be, but I can tell you I’ve wondered if he had something to do with meeting the love of my life during a time when I felt like giving up. He loved this city. It could be a coincidence, or it could be that he’s still trying to take care of me the way he did when he was alive. I sometimes wonder if he sent A to me. I guess I’ll never know. So yeah, the other day was rough. I hadn’t had a good cry like that in a while. I looked through pictures, watched his memorial video that I made, and just let myself feel how much it still hurts for a little while. I miss him so much. I want so, so badly for him to be here, he’s missing so much. I know he would have instantly fallen in love with my sisters baby. I know he would genuinely love A. I know he would be so happy. I also know that S would have gotten a solid punch to the face, whether or not that landed him in jail or not. He was always protective of me. I wonder what his life would be like right now if he was alive. Would he be married? Would he be a dad? He would have made the most incredible father, and it hurts that he never got the chance. It still kills me knowing I’ll get married without him by my side. I know I’ve said it so many times before, but it’s just not fair. He was one of the good ones. He would have led an incredible life had it not been cut so short. Sometimes it feels like the loss is still so raw, even though its been more than half a decade without him. I hate when I hear someone tell a grieving person that “time heals all wounds”, because it just simply isn’t true. I’ve adapted to a world without him. But somedays it just hurts so much more than others.

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